Life Long Battle With The Image In The Mirror

One thing I have always dealt with was self-esteem issues. Having grown up the military I traveled a lot. Along with traveling came the fact that I didn’t have a group of friends or even one friend. When we got out of the military and settled into Easthampton all the groups of friends had been created and so began the extremely difficult time I had making friends. I was 14 and very developed; I was the first in my class to have matured. So the jokes about my breasts began. I wore my dad’s shirts (XL or bigger) to cover up. Two years later everyone else caught up to me. I then wore normal clothing and then began a new group of comments. Talking about how I was trying to fit in and no one listened when I said I only wore the clothes I did here so I didn’t get picked on.

When I turned 16 I got my first real job working at AMES in Southampton. It was awesome. I had my own money and could buy my own stuff. Well I didn’t have a choice really my parents were not rich, worked two jobs, and could afford food and the bare minimum. I bought my clothes at Ames because I got a discount and I didn’t have to worry about driving anywhere (I didn’t have a car yet) I got made fun of for that, because I wasn’t wearing name brand clothes. Image became something I watched very closely. I would buy some name brand clothes (without the logo plastered all over) so when someone asked I would be like actually this is American Eagle, look at the tag! I just don’t parade that I can afford these clothes!
I did eventually get a few close friends. They were my goodbye kitty girls!! An inside joke! We would hang out every weekend and it was amazing! PS IF YOUR READING THIS.. I miss you ladies!!!!
Being thin was a must. Most of the girls in my class that the guys drooled over were thin. That’s when I started to skip meals. It was perfect I would say to my mum I was eating breakfast and lunch at school. Get to school say I ate breakfast at home and would just get fries for lunch. At home I would say I ate a big lunch and not hungry for dinner, or if I was working I said I ate at work. My mum got worried and made me get on the scale. I weighed 80 pounds and my mum had my friends inform her of what I ate during the day and because I hated throwing up I could never do that. So for a while I was eating again while getting away with not eating every meal every once in a while.
Flash forward to when I turned 21 and so let the real drinking begin! I drank from when I was 18 on. Being English that’s a norm. I didn’t drink beer for a while, it was always hard alcohol. When I started hanging out with a new group of people and playing beer pong, just enough beer in the cups to drink, I started to like the taste of beer and when going out to the bar it was easier to say “I’ll take a bud light” versus the names of the “girly drinks”. The problem with beer is that it is fattening.
In 2008 I started doing weight watchers because I wanted to look amazing in my wedding dress. I got down to 120 pounds and everyone said I looked amazing but too skinny. What did they know? Because according to all those websites I was on the higher end of the good category. I was, and still am supposed to weigh between 100-115.
Before I got pregnant I weighed 168 pounds. The most I have ever weighed.But I was drinking a lot.I got pregnant and within two weeks lost 20 pounds.The whole pregnancy I did not gain weight.Well that’s a lie. I am sure I lost more weight but baby was growing so it evened out.After delivering Hailey I was smaller than I was.I was so happy! So began the process of keeping it off and toning that tummy.Here I am today. Happier than ever about how I look. I will always be aware of my weight and I have that constant fear of thinking about just skipping a meal, but I refuse to starve myself, I have retrained my brain. I will always do things the right way, whether it is weight watchers and working out if I get bad again. I will have a glass of wine here and there or a cold beer in the summer time. But I do not drink nearly as much as I used to which helps. A lot of what helps is having a daughter, who will have the same body image issues. I want to be a role model for her. I don’t want her to ever have that fear. I want to teach her what not to do! She is my savior!

I want you all to know. I never looked fat. So I am going to post pictures of myself so you can see. The problem is the number on that scale and the size of those pants! I am happy to say I fit in my pants I wore when I was 21. My most healthiest weight!

August 2012 (3 months pregnant)
March 2013
Proud of my marks!
2011- prepregnancy, 2012- Pregnant, 2013 PostPregnancy
October/November 2013